Thursday, July 10, 2014

Ramadhan Rants

Awal Ramadhan tahun ni sedih sikit untuk aku.

Pertamanya sebab ketiadaan suami terchenta. Seperti yang telah aku bebelkan di post-post sebelum ni, Mr. Chenta kene gi outstation. Tapi syukur yang amat, hari ketiga puasa dia kembali ke pangkuan keluarga dah. Wiwiwi..

Keduanya yang sedih adalah sebab aku celebrate first day Ramadhan kat hospital.

Yup. Kat hospital, uols. Buka pon makanan hospital. Sambil bergenang air mata.

Ok, over.

Ceritanya begini..

Afif kene buat MRI and CT scan. Bab kenapa tu nanti lain post la aku citer. Rupanya bukan gi spital, scan, pastu balik. Disebabkan toddler macam Afif ni tak reti dok diam, kene sedate or bius dia bagi knock out baru dok diam dan boleh scan. Maka bermalam la kat spital. Doktor pulak cam takde time lain kan nak bagi.. Time nak puasa dan takda suami jugak laaa aku kene berkampung kat HUKM tu haa..

Demi anak aku gagahkan je la.

Nak buka first day tu pon mintak ehsan nurse tolong belikan makanan. Tak kuasa aku nak mengejar Afif sambil nak beli makan kat kafeteria. Last-last time buka aku habiskan nasi lauk sup ayam Afif jugak sebab sayang anak aku tak abes makan. Nasi yang nurse tapaukan aku buat makan sahur.

Takpe lah itu puasa chapter satu.

Yang penting skang terasa nikmat puasa sebab di sisi suami terchenta. Hikhik.

Boring gak la kan dok spital. 

Sedih ah camni.


Lagi satu yang baru pasal Ramadhan tahun ni adalah aku baru pindah cubicle. Baahaha pindah cubicle pon kecoh kan? Tapi ye, aku rasa ia adalah macam a fresh start. A colleague is moving to another department, so kiranya aku kene take over most of his jobs. Which is a challenge for me as he left a huge shoe to fill. Dia serba serbi lagi terer dari aku dalam bab keje ni. So aku amek inisiatif tukar cubicle ni supaya physically dekat dengan tempat boss baru aku (selama ni aku rasa bos lupa aku wujud), and dekat dengan team mate yang lain. Funny how a change of scenery can lift your spirit.

Ape lagi nak bebel ye?

Oooohhh.. did you know i lost 3kgs in the 3 weeks that my husband was gone? Angau punya pasal. Ni dia dah balik i bet i'm gonna gain back the 3kilos (and more).

Dah sebulan aku berhenti mengepam di office. Mulanya susah la jugak aku nak let go. Tapi bila pam pon, tak banyak susu, sudah demotivated di situ (my own fault sape suruh pam sekali sehari je kan). Dulu walaupon malas, aku gagahkan jugak ngepam sebab Afif takmo langsung FM.. Ni dia dah suka FM, tu yang malas dah nak pam. Tapi bila aku ade kat rumah memang still bergayut je la 24 jam. Cukup dia 2 tahun nanti memang aku nak wean him off. Mama wants her boobs back!

i should go to bed now. Salam Ramadhan and happy fasting!

Friday, June 27, 2014

A Bit Emotional Today

i'm sure most of you have heard about adik Muhammad Firdaus Dullah yang ditinggalkan dalam keadaan teramat kotor dan teramat kurus kering. Ya Allah bila aku nampak snippet berita itu di Facebook memang berair mata aku. Tak sanggup tengok video yang di-upload.

Anyway, i'm not here to judge or bash the mom. Biar lah keyboard warriors dan masyarakat umum memaki dia di serata Malaysia. Yes, what she did is beyond cruel and the biggest punishment is the shame and guilt she's in, abandoning her OKU son like that. Tapi sape la aku untuk layak memaki hamun dia kan. Something must've gone wrong somewhere for the mother to suddenly abandon him like that (but 'kesempitan hidup' is definitely not the acceptable reason). And i hope and pray that i will NOT turn into that kind of mother whatever the reason is. Nau'zubillah min zalik.

Bila nampak adik tu, aku teringat Afif. Yes my son, Afif. He's OKU too. Thankfully he's only deaf, bukan lah ada cerebral palsy, autism, etc. 

Afif, oh God, Afif..
Mama loves you so much.
You're perfect to me in your imperfection.
i thought i have loved my best when i fell in love with your daddy but you prove that there's a whole new kind of unconditional love.

i pray to Allah that i can be the best mother for you.
To protect you.
To raise you whole.
To raise you as a good Khalifah.
To not abandon you in any way; emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
To love you in good times, and especially in the hard times. (God knows how hard it is sometimes)
To always have patience.
And hopefully to not die before you can survive on your own for i know how lost it is to live without parents.

Amin, ya Rabb. Amin.
Semoga panjang jodoh kita.

 Berhingus ke, banyak akal ke, malas gosok gigi ke, Mama sayang Afif.

Macam pompuan ke, suka dera Barney (and Mama) ke, pekak ke.. Mama sayang Afif.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

LDM Day 16

This long distance marriage thing is no kidding.

Maaf lah i'm a bit whiny in this post. Ni first time berjauhan ngan suami. Memang aku meroyan sket.

First there's this i-miss-my-husband issue. It feels so strange not being able to call him at work just because i want to call him. Because he's always on the plane, we can't promptly reply each other's Whatsapp. Our Whatsapp thread looks a bit like this:

 Me: baby.. Makan apa tu dinner 

*no response*8 hour later* 

Husband: Hey baby baru sampai ni, baru habis breakfast and check in hotel.

Kejap kat Quito, kejap Sao Paulo, kejap Brasilia, kejap San Jose..

And do not get me started on the time difference. Our time difference vary from 11 hour to 13 hours depending of his wherabout. Time dia bangon, aku tido. Dia tido, aku tengah siang. Nowadays i go to work with bags under my eyes as a result of staying up bergayut telepon sampai 2-3am. Rindu katanya, bergayut la macam time mula bercinta dulu.

Afif pulak macam rindu je daddy dia. Lepas 2 hari laki aku takde, dia dah start ada perangai. Clingy, cepat sentap terus nanges, tantrum. Start develop perangai suka hantuk kepala kat dinding and lantai. Dulu aku tak percaya budak-budak reti rindu rindu ni. Tapi bila aku ada anak sendiri, yes it happens. Yang stress tu bila Facetime tak pulak dilayan daddy dia. Jual mahal. Memang kene banyak je sabar layan perangai anak. 

Dah la haritu kenduri kawen adik aku. Nak kene layan tetamu lagi, jaga Afif lagi. Memang tak glam langsung la aku. Pakai flats je senang nak kejar anak. Not to mention bawak Afif gi appoinment audio, speech therapy and music class without my husband. Nasib baik ada adik ipar aku. Dia la banyak menolong. Tapi ye la kan mana sama ngan suami sendiri.

Pastu aku skang dengar sappy love songs aje. Haih. i'm sappy like that.

But i'm really happy for him. Keje dia jarang dapat travel. Tup tup dapat travel gi tempat exotic cam Latin America ni. Dia gi hiking la, tengok carnival la (tahap macam dlm cter Rio tu orang pakai bra and spender je tepi jalan) and he shopped! Laki aku cheapskate jarang betol shopping. So it's good to see another part of him. Walopon sebenarnya jeles jugak kan. Hihi.

Dah, dah. Come back, be here. We miss you. 

Sincerely, 
Bini yang Meroyan.




Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Afif's Hearing Journey

As you probably know, Afif is hearing impaired.

After a long time of pondering, i have created a blog to specifically record his journey to sounds, to hear and listen and his journey to speak and talk. 

The blog is fairly new. i have lots of ideas for it but being a working mom, memang tak banyak masa la terluang untuk edit blog. Pelan-pelan kayuh la.

Hopefully, parents of deaf or hard-to-hear child/ren can also find the blog helpful. There are not many blogs about raising hard-of-hearing children by our fellow Malaysians, so i hope this blog could make up for the statistics.


p/s: if you know any group/websites/blogs for/about deaf children or parents of deaf children, do let me know.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Halfway Around The World

Last two weeks my husband came home from work and told me an unusual news; he has to go outstation. 

Unusual because in his line of work, there's rarely chance to travel. 

Naturally i was excited for him. He, on the other hand, was not. He's worried about Afif and i as he's supposed to take a long time off work to look after Afif. Dia kata kesian nanti aku kene jaga Afif sorang. 

Bless my husband for being selfless.

We talked about it. I assured him that we'll be okay. He can cuti after the trip. We'll manage. This is a good opportunity for his career development and he should just take it. Go! Dont worry, go.

After lots of convincing, baru dia okay and excited nak gi. 

At work, i found myself typing "how to survive long distance marriage" into Google search. So much for being a strong, independent wife.

And the guessing game began..

Where would he be posted?

Brasil? Lagos? Algeria? Equador? Jeddah?

For how long? A month? Whattt kene extend 3 bulan?

When will he leave? This week? Next week? Sempat ke lepas wedding adik adik aku?






He left this morning.

Tentatively for 3 weeks. God forbid it'll be extended. Please, no. 

Memang next weekend dia takda la masa wedding adik adik aku.

Sigh. 

This is the first time we've been apart for this long since getting married. Needless to say, i'm feeling lost. 

He has not even yet reached his destination and i already am missing him like crazy.

As for Afif.. Takda perasaan pon masa hantar daddy dia pagi tadi. Sibok main escalator (-____-)




I can only pray that he's always safe from harm, under the Almighty's guidance and care. Semoga takde flight attendants or hot Latina kat sana ngorat dia ke ape. Semoga i am given the strength to look after my never-out-of-energy-and-banyak-akal toddler. Semoga cepat boleh jumpa.

Amin.

P/s: kalo outstation London/Paris/Australia memang aku amek je cuti panjang ikot dia ke sana. 

Friday, May 30, 2014

New Friend

The past week has been a bit of emotional whirlwind for me.

Having blessed with a hearing impaired child, i'm never at ease. Most days are fine. Some days i'm in despair, panic attack, guilt.. i worry a lot. i have so many questions.

When will Afif talk?
What if Afif can't talk?
Will his future be okay?
Can he make friends?
Can he go to normal school?

More questions than i (or even his therapist) could answer.

The hardest thing is not having or knowing anyone else that have the same experience.

i missed Afif's last speech therapy because i had to present in a meeting. i never missed it and God did i feel guilty. Mr. Chenta took him for therapy and he is amazing but you know it's different when you are not there.

Because i'm such a control freak, i emailed his therapist. i can't rest not getting information first hand. Asking this and that. i hope she doesn't find me too bossy and nosey. My prayer has been answered when she gave me a contact number of a mom with a hearing impaired daughter.

It's just what i need.

Someone who was there, went through what i go through.
Someone who can share what she did. How she did it.
Someone who understands.

We got in touch recently. Alhamdulillah for this new friend.

She said it ain't easy.
She took time off work in the critical years.
She went for seminars/talks/classes. She sent the daughter (who was 2-4 years at that time) to music class, writing class, and various therapies.
She put of having another baby until the daughter is 6 years old.
But now, she said, it's worth it. The daughter is 7 years old and speaking and hearing well.

i'm so amazed at her effort.
i never thought of music class nor writing class for Afif (for God's sake, he's not even 2!)
i never went for talks/seminars/playgroup. Not because i don't want to, because i couldn't find one.
Though i wanted to go someplace else for therapy, i never made the move.

This new info is both a relief and a curse.
Because i feel like i'm not doing enough for my son.

Oh well.
What the use of dwelling.
Now that i know, i'll do a better job.

Must. Find. Music. Class. ASAP.
Must. Find. A. Talk/Seminar. ASAP.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Reality Check

Semalam macam biasa lah aku balik keje naik train. Terhegeh-hegeh berjalan dengan 5-inch heels aku ni. Macam biasa jugak lah dalam train memang kebarangkalian nak dapat tempat duduk memang sangat kecil. Tak la jugk kesah sebab dah biasa berdiri. 

So there i was, minding my own business, playing with my phone, berdiri mengadap passanger yang duduk.

Tiba-tiba..

"Dik.. Nak duduk?" tegur sorang akak yang duduk depan aku. "Sorry la akak baru perasan.." katanya.

And i was like "Eh.. Takpe kak"

And she said "Takpe.. Duduk lah" sambil nak bangon.

Aku pon cakap "Takpe kak.. Saya bukan ngandong pon. Ni gemok je.."

Muka hakak tu PRICELESS

Reaction dalam kepala hotak aku pon PRICELESS.

HAMAGADDDD serious lah aku dah gemok tahap orang mengandong ke weh?

Then i realized i have been eating a lot lately especially bende manis seperti ice blended, choc chip cookies (banyak gila sebab tengah membungkus kat umah untuk doorgift adik aku kawen), popcorn.. Aku perasan gak nasi dalam pinggan pon dah jadi setengah pinggan compared to dulu before Afif suku pinggan gitu je. 

Alasan aku makan sukahati adalah sebab aku breastfeed, i need more to produce milk. Memang selama ni makan banyak mana pon, berat aku maintain. Siap lose weight masa cuti 3 bulan sebab penat jadi SAHM. Tapi skang aku pam pon sehari sekali compared to dulu 2-3 kali. Memang calorie berlebih tu jadi lemak la, bukan jadi susu.

A hard slap of reality in my face.

Seriously, kene kembali ke pangkal jalan. 

No more excessive eating. 
No more twice a week Extreme Latte Frappe. 
No more makan cookies. 
No more cream based pasta everytime makan pasta. 
No more nasik lemak. 
No more late night nasik just because "nanti malam takda susu camne?"

Have to workout.

Petang tu, sampai je umah lepas amek Afif terus lah mini workout katanya. Kat dalam bilik je pon sambil Afif layan iPad. Planking. Push-ups. Sit-ups (which i failed miserably sebab takde orang pegang kaki aku). Squats. The things i learnt in bootcamp. Nak gi gym, jogging bagai sape la nak jaga anak aku kan..

Lunch pulak harini aku makan salad je. Ok fine sebenarnya bawah salad tu ade pasta coz i still need some carbo ok. But at least not nasi lauk ayam lemak.

Not much but it's something. A start to my change.


Aku bukan nak diet beriya macam orang kat insta/fb #eatclean #workout #abs #fitness katanya. Sekadar kembali ke pangkal jalan. 

Wish me luck and doa la supaya aku tak start makan cam onggiler after 1 week. 

30 day squat challenge for beautiful ass.
Jom?

p/s: aku pon slalu confuse dalam train sama ada seseorang perempuan itu mengandung atau pon gemok. Aku rasa tips untuk tau pompuan dalam train tu pregnant ataupon gemok: 

1) kalo pakai kasut 5 inci sah la tak pregnant. 
2) kalo dia muka pucat nampak penat pastu pegang perot 70% kemungkinan dia pregnant
3) pakai kasut tumit rendah yang tak cantik tapi comfy tu kemungkinan 50% pregnant (i wore a hideous yellow Clarks flats throughout my pregnancy sebab walopon tak cantik, itu yg paling selesa utk aku)
4) dia tayang perot dia kat depan 'seats for disabled people' dengan muka yang macam kata "bangon la wehh aku ngandong, nak duduk"

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Slow

Boleh tak aku nak kata aku stress dengan keje?

Haih.

Tahun baru ni, opis baru ada re-org. New boss. New task. New experience.

Tapi ntah la. Aku rasa macam lagi kurang keje. Aku harapkan dapat technical work seperti buat static model ke, buat well proposal ke. Tapi setakat almost 2 bulan yang aku dah start keje ni, keje aku adalah kumpul data, review report orang, compare itu ini.

Haih.

Stress lah weh.


p/s: Manusia. Keje banyak, komplen. Keje sikit, komplen. Keje susah, komplen. Keje senang, komplen.

Update: lepas je aku tulis post ni, aku gi jumpe boss, propose in-house study. And she said yes! Yayyy so ade la jugak technical job pasni. Wish me luck!


Friday, May 16, 2014

My New Baby

For those who know me, they know that i love to shop. Heck, pompuan mana lah tak suka shopping kan? Kikiki..

Tapi sebenarnya those who knows me know that sebenarnya aku ni kedekut. Truthfully, aku takda designer shoes. Bag mahal pon ada satu je, itu pon beg hantaran yang laki aku bagi. Mini Stam by March Jacobs tu dah dua tahun aku usha. Nak beli, sayang duit. Bukan tak mampu weh tapi duit beriban tu baik la aku gi travel or beli bag 2-3 ketul. Laki aku kesian, dia belikan lah juga untuk buat hantaran. Sukaaaaa! Sampai skang terperap dalam dustbag, pakai bila ada special occasion je. Punya lah sayang.

For this year's bonus, i decided to buy something BIG for myself. As a reward for the past one year of being a mom. For the time i took off work to concentrate on Afif. For buying something significant that i can look back and say "Oh.. Tahun 2014 aku beli INI". Something entirely for me. Unlike past years where i save up my bonus for family holidays, house stuff, baby stuff, wedding stuff..

So i decided to buy a bag. A designer bag.

Aku bajetkan bawah 5k je. 5k tu pon aku rasa banyak dah weh for a bag. i surveyed high and low for something i like below RM5k. Gucci, LV, Ferragamo, Prada, Fendi.. Ceh Carlo Rino tak pulak ko jengah kan? Baahaha..

Yang sakit hati nya, semua bag aku suka mesti atas 5k. Yang 5k and below either canvas or fabric. Gila tak berbaloi beli bag beriban tapi bukan leather pon. Alang-alang mahal, beli la leather kan? Tapi paham tak yang aku suka memang semuanya over budget. 

Stress.

Antara beg yang aku usha dan berkenan:


Fendi Toujours 

MM Neverfull Epi Leather in Orange.
One of my dream bags. Boleh letak botol susu, barang anak, mak nenek segala. 
Pastu As kata ko beli bag mahal nak letak botol susu anak? (-____-)

 Chanel Boy.
Berangan je weh masuk Chanel. Ni lagi la berbelas ribu. Mampoo?

Prada Double Zipper Patent Saffiano.
Went crazy for this aaaa!

3 weeks aku survey weh.. Survey online, survey kat butik. 3 weeks i ponder is it freaking worth it to spend thousands on a bag? 3 weeks i slept on it. 3 weeks aku membebel kat laki aku pasal handbag. 3 freaking weeks! 

Last-last laki aku kata "beli je la mana yang suka.. Kang beli yang murah (tapi mahal gak) tapi tak suka buat apa?" Mesti dia dah penat dengar aku membebel, meng-compare itu ini.

Maka aku beli je la walopon memang telan air liur tengok orang tu swipe kad aku kaa-chinggg!

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 Ngajor anak naik beskal sambil pegang handbag. Boleh?
Muat je pampers and botol susu Afif dalam ni. Bahaha.


Ok. Now i can shut up. Dok dediam peluk je beg ape ade. Pasni takde dah entry aku beli beg ye. Menabung balik. Tunggu dua tahun.

Okbye.


Monday, May 12, 2014

Toddler Activity: Bathroom Painting

Ok so Afif loves the iPad. i came to realize that after two mornings of him getting up and out of bed and point the iPad at me. Now before you bash me, don't worry. It's not an addiction yet. Setakat ni tak pernah la lagi dia mengamuk tantrum kalo tak dapat. Phew phew..

But yaa.. Of course we have to plan stuff for him to vary his activities. Mainan banyak tapi kejap-kejap main dia bosan. Dia suka main air, aku layan la jugak kat toilet tapi susah sebab takot basah hearing aid dia. Main hide and seek pon layan. Dia layan gak crayon, pencil color and magic color tapi lelama dia ada idea conteng dinding plak (-____-) so i minimize his contact with those.

i got him this Crayola Washable Kids' Paint a few weeks ago. The first time we painted was one rainy day after he got up from his afternoon nap. Kononnya fun activity. Tapi time tu dia cranky, dia conteng sekali dua je pastu marah aku cat tapak tangan dia pastu we wrap up. So much for being artsy.

The supplies for painting activities.

 End product

Cranky kene paksa melukis

Then yesterday i had this bright idea of combining his favorite place, the toilet, and some art stuff. Maka terjadi lah bathroom painting!

Bangon pagi dan brekpes, i stripped him down. Ingatkan nak mandi la tuh. He got excited pon seeing the paint i laid on the stool in the bathroom. Then i started painting the house and tree, he followed suit. But of course, no house, tree or even stick figures from him yet. Conteng-conteng ikot suka je.



Muka puas hati main conteng-conteng

Our masterpiece.


He was so happy experimenting siap cover toilet bowl pon dia conteng. i think this activity is good to train our baby's motor skill and also to teach them colors. i even mix a few colors together to create a new color for example blue+yellow=green!

The best part is this Crayola Paint is totally washable. After our painting session, simbah air kat dinding tiles tu and gosok sikit-sikit pakai tangan je terus hilang color tu. No mess for lazy moms like me.


p/s: malam tu dia amek pencil color dan conteng dinding rumah while i was busy in the kitchen. Laki aku gelak je "siapa suruh ajar conteng toilet?" katanya. Haihhh..